What is self-soothing?
Self soothing is the way we calm ourselves down when we are feeling overwhelmed and activated. Self soothing is learned in relation to others and is a tool we can use when we are alone. When we are very little, our caretakers help soothe us when we don’t have the words to say what we are feeling or what we need. They tend to us and soothe us so we are able to regulate our own emotions. This is called co-regulation and is the first way we learn how to calm ourselves down during difficult emotional experiences. As we get older we must learn to soothe ourselves. Self soothing can help with any type of emotional activation, whether it is sadness, anxiety, stress, worry, or anger.
Does self-soothing actually work?
Self soothing works because we are directly accessing our nervous system to create a sense of safety in our bodies. Often times we are physically safe but are experiencing an emotion that feels very distressing, so the self soothing is a tool that builds a sense of self-support and care even while feeling that emotional distress.
What does the research say about self-soothing?
The research shows that when we are being judgmental toward ourselves our brains process those thoughts as if someone else is saying the hurtful things to us. This is why it is so important to speak kindly to yourself and practice self-soothing, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed or distressed.
“Research in brain science has found that those same areas of the brain that respond to external threat are activated by self-criticism. And just as the brain developed in the context of a relationship with others, the relationship we have with ourselves also has the potential to put us in a state of threat.”*
Examples of self-soothing
Gentle and neutral self talk is an effective self soothing tool. We want to try to talk to ourselves in a calm, grounded manner— the way our caretakers may have spoken to us when we needed care. Neutral self talk is simply stating facts like “I am noticing I am feeling overwhelmed and my heart rate has increased. I am noticing a fluttering sensation in my stomach. I feel calm and grounded though my feet.” That way we are not trying to force ourselves out of an uncomfortable experience, but are practicing being present with what is happening in the moment.
I often recommend the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to my clients who are practicing self soothing. This is to say out loud or to yourself 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel the texture of, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can see. This exercise refocuses your attention and promotes a sense of safety and calm in the body.
If you struggle to self-soothe and often feel like you can’t control your emotions, please give me a call. I work with residents across the state of California.
Disclaimer
This blog is for educational purposes only. The information contained in this blog article is not intended to be a replacement for mental health care. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 1-800-273-TALK or text HOME to 741741 for free 24/7 support in the U.S.
About the Author
I am a licensed clinical social worker and owner of Victoria Smith, LCSW, Inc., an online and in-person therapy practice focused on helping young professionals heal from anxiety and burnout, and quiet the critical internal voices of perfectionism, so they can live more fulfilling, connected lives. If you’re a California resident, schedule a free consultation call to learn more.
*References: Golden, Bernard. “How Self-Criticism Threatens You in Mind and Body.” Psychology Today, 12 Jan. 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201901/how-self-criticism-threatens-you-in-mind-and-body#:~:text=Research%20in%20brain%20science%20has,in%20a%20state%20of%20threat.