What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Cognitive Behavioral therapy is a therapeutic approach that targets the connection between our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions so that we can shift from unhelpful or unhealthy patterns into healthier ways of thinking and behaving. CBT is most often used to treat symptoms of anxiety and depression. Oftentimes the connections between our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions are automatic, so we don't always understand why we are feeling or acting the way we are. CBT can give you an opportunity to gain insight about these thoughts and reactions so that you gain control in shifting them. Because CBT is so effective in treating anxiety, it can also be a helpful tool for you if you are experiencing the anxiety that can come after a breakup.
Three CBT Practices for Coping After a Breakup
1. Reframing. A helpful tool rooted in CBT is called "reframing". Reframing is the practice of noticing an unhelpful automatic thought and shifting it to a more balanced, neutral thought. For example, someone might have the thought "I'll never be good enough for a relationship, and no one will ever love me again" after a breakup, so the reframe could be something like "I'm noticing a thought of being alone. I don't know what the future looks like but what I know right now is I am feeling lonely and may need to reach out to a friend for support."
2. Journaling. Another helpful tool I often recommend to my clients who are grieving a relationship is to journal. Journaling gives you an opportunity to slow your thoughts down. When someone is experiencing anxiety and their thoughts are racing, they might feel out of control and overwhelmed. Journaling stops those spinning thoughts in their tracks because once the person starts writing they can then be present with each individual letter and word of the thoughts they are putting on paper. You can also write down your automatic negative thoughts in one column on a page, and in the other column write down 'what else could be true"—thoughts that are neutral/ positive.
3. Thought Stopping. Thought stopping is a very helpful tool that can be used after a breakup. Usually after people experience a breakup, they start to become anxious about the things they must have done wrong or wonder why they weren't good enough. As humans, we want answers and a sense of control, especially when we are feeling hurt, but thinking negative thoughts about ourselves may only prolong the pain. When you notice you are spiraling in your negative thoughts, simply imagine a bright red stop sign, and gently redirect your thoughts. Make sure you are being compassionate towards yourself while you redirect your focus.
Leave room for Grief
While CBT can be very effective in helping you reframe your experience and can help you cope, it is important that you give yourself the space to grieve without immediately trying to change what you are feeling. A huge part of going through and processing a breakup is experiencing deep feelings of grief and sadness, and that is completely normal. Our culture places a lot of pressure on feeling happy all of the time, so we often end up pathologizing completely natural emotions, and feeling like something is wrong with us if we are still upset by a breakup after a certain period of time. There is no correct or incorrect timeline in processing your feelings after a breakup, just make sure you are being kind to yourself as you go through it. Trust that this experience is temporary.
Disclaimer
This blog is for educational purposes only. The information contained in this blog article is not intended to be a replacement for mental health care. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 1-800-273-TALK or text HOME to 741741 for free 24/7 support in the U.S.
About the Author
I am a licensed clinical social worker and owner of Victoria Smith, LCSW, Inc., an online and in-person therapy practice focused on helping young professionals and graduate student heal from anxiety and burnout, and quiet the critical internal voices of perfectionism, so they can live more fulfilling, connected lives. If you’re a California resident, schedule a free consultation call to learn more.